i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
