He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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