You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
