Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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