Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
