My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
