If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize