I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I didn't notice because vodka
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
