A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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