how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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