I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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