Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Come share oat with me in your robe
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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