I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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