I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
