Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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