Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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