so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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