They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
ugly people sure do ruin things
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
