don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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