I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Bang-toberfest begins!!
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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