Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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