your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize