im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
