So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
