i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
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