I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
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