don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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