I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
