First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
