love makes seman taste better
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
