I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
