I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
