Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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