i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
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