just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
