last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Randomize
