I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Randomize
