One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
