My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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