ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
