Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
