i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
