38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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