Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
she peed on how many people?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
