she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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