I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
