Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
