When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
