just come out here and I will go home with you...
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
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