i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
