Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
