I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
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