where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
