I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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