Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
