my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
