And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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