I'm gonna have a badass scar
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
areolas are like halos for boobs.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Randomize
