fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
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