We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
